Really Struggling!

We haven't been given any updates, things are going slower than expected, and I feel like my heart is laid open bear on the alter, ready to be smashed to pieces any minute! I never imagined this process to be so painful! I have pictures of our children now printed and taped to a shelf just above my computer monitor. I have this urge to take them down and put them away and not think about the adoption, other than praying for the children each day, until we get the call to bring them home. It is so painful to live in this not knowing stage. It isn't that I'm desperate to adopt them. If it isn't God's plan than I would willingly lay them down. But we are in the stage of not knowing, which is so hard for a control freak like me! :)

Having gone through three miscarriages I know how it feels to have God give and expect a birth and then have him take away. I just don't want to go through that again! I wish he would just tell me now, if they aren't for us, than close the door. But I realize that may not be his plan, we could go along another year or more and not bring them home. I know that I just need to trust and be surrendered, it is just so difficult!

I look at the children and I wonder should I attach to them as my children? I love them so much, without even trying. I am actually trying not to attach but when I look into the reality of my heart I'm already attached to them! I need to be praying that God would give me his love for these kids, not my own. My own love is so conditional and unstable and selfish and self-centered. God's love for them is, I imagine, free without any strings, free to love them where they are and continue to love them even if they don't come home. Free to pray for them and think about them and free to let every bit of my heart one hundred percent agape love them. Doesn't agape love mean to love at the sacrifice of oneself? So loving them would mean, letting them in, at the risk of them never becoming my children. Would I have loved in vein? No, I would have been a reservoir and hopefully conduit of God's love for them and that would be a gift.

I'm not sure if I've posted this already but the children's biological mother did come and sign the papers for the court decree, now we are just waiting on the father to come. Pray for God's will to be done please!

Thank you to all who have donated towards the children's adoptions! We appreciate it from the bottom of our hearts! We are up to 3,000 dollars! 13,000 more to go!